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Stephen
Colbert's World War 3 Eternal Flame
I'm looking over your shoulder...but only because I've got your
back.
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“In success, you wouldn't be able to say I'm conservative
or liberal. I'm part of the blame-America-last crowd.”
Stephen Colbert quote
“Lemme just talk to you for a second about something
that I think is good for America: caramel apples, ... I had one last
night. Delicious. Not talking about candy apples. I think candy apples
are a danger! You crack 'em, they're very sharp. You candy apple crowd
need to wake up!”
Stephen Colbert quote
“I used to write things for friends. There was this
girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn't like at school.
I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little
short story where she would kill him in a different way.”
Stephen Colbert quote
“Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like
Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it eventually
blew out the back of his head.”
Hassle
Stephen Colbert quote
“The Colbert Report”
Stephen Colbert quote
“as natural as a gorilla beating his chest.”
Stephen Colbert quote
“Like O'Reilly, we'll grab the most important word
out of every sentence, ... `The,' for example. Also, I'll say, `I'm
angry,' and the graphic will read, `Colbert angry.'”
Stephen Colbert quote
“I don't think he's necessarily a Republican or
Democrat, ... He is part of the `Blame America Last' crowd. Mostly,
he just wants to get those bastards -- whoever they are. They know who
they are, and they know they're going to get gotten.”
Stephen Colbert quote
“He's the master, ... It's admirable. I watch him
with my mouth open and think, 'How does he do it?' If I could only have
a scrap of that. If only I could take all filters off my mouth, it would
be so great.”
Stephen Colbert quote
“Jon always said 'The Daily Show' has no political
impact, ... We're going to go ahead and pick up that gauntlet and change
the world!”
Stephen Colbert quote
“I want to thank Comedy Central for picking up the
show, but more importantly I want to congratulate Comedy Central for
picking up the show,”
Stephen Colbert quote
“The show is about me in that when you give opinions,
you're saying something about yourself,”
Stephen Colbert quote
“metaphorical sloppy seconds.”
Stephen Colbert quote
“an attractive vessel through which the river of
truth can flow.”
Stephen Colbert quote
“They thought it was warping their children's minds.
Which it might have been, but it also took a lot of creativity to play
it.”
Stephen Colbert quote
“I can't prove it, but I can say it.”
Stephen Colbert quote
“In order to maintain an untenable position, you
have to be actively ignorant, ... One motto on the show is, 'Keep your
facts, I'm going with the truth.'”
Stephen Colbert quote
“We don't want any filter, ... The correspondent
is only going to put his spin on it.”
Stephen Colbert quote
“So you weren't a good student.”
Stephen Colbert quote
“I'm a big fan. I've always been a news junkie,”
Stephen Colbert quote
“It's about bluster and personality, ... Daily Show.”
Stephen Colbert quote
“His shadow is dark enough,”
Stephen Colbert quote
“We're going to deal with truth on my show.”
Stephen Colbert quote
“My character is self-important, poorly informed,
well-intentioned but an idiot, ... So we said, `Let's give him a promotion.'”
Stephen Colbert quote
“knocking up pop stars.”
Stephen Colbert quote
“He's definitely the king, ... I have trouble watching
his show. It's exhausting.”
Stephen Colbert quote
“He had a wonderful interview with Bono during the
Republican National Convention in New York. It made me think twice about
Bono.”
Stephen Colbert quote
“It was, actually. I started playing Dungeons &
Dragons the first week it was introduced to the market - at least the
first week it was introduced down here.”
Stephen Colbert quote
“Bush has a real problem on his hands here, John:
What honor should he bestow on Karl Rove?”
Stephen Colbert quote
“He thinks very highly of himself.”
Stephen Colbert quote
“He would be just as apprehensive as I was, before
the first film came out. Really, really, really hoping - excited, obviously
- but really, really hoping that they don't blow it.”
Stephen Colbert quote
“And I wrote things for the school's newspaper,
and - like all teenagers - I dabbled in poetry.”
Stephen Colbert quote
“Every day, if I could find someone to play with
me. If I couldn't find someone to play with me, I would work on my player
character.”
Stephen Colbert quote
“Stephen Debates 21-Year-Old Self.”
Stephen Colbert quote
“[And not a moment too soon, figures Colbert (the
gifted humorist-performer, that is not the make-believe blowhard who
shares the same name).] My character is self-important, poorly informed,
well-intentioned, but an idiot, ... So we said, 'Let's give him a promotion.'”
Stephen Colbert quote
“These shows are the demon children of the 24-hour
cable-news cycle,”
Stephen Colbert quote
“My character is not based on (Bill) O'Reilly, ...
It's the same guy from The Daily Show. You'd never say it's O'Reilly.”
Stephen Colbert quote
“Would I kill for that neck, ... Geraldo gives you
a sense of mission. He seems to change the world with every story. I
love the ego. You put those two together, you get this sexy package
of manliness and mission. I just love it.”
Stephen Colbert quote
“They're all cult of personality, ... People don't
come there for news. They come there for that guy's take on it. It's
an editorial. Aaron Brown loves the sound of his voice. He sucks the
flavor out of every sentence.”
Stephen Colbert quote
“As God said to Job, Checkmate”
Stephen Colbert quote
2005
( 10.17.05 ) Open wide baby bird, 'cause momma's got a big fat nightcrawler
of Truth. Here comes The Colbert Report!
( 10.18.05 ) Put some pants on America, the Truth is knocking at the
door. Here comes The Colbert Report.
( 10.19.05 ) Shave your head, strap yourself in and throw the switch!
You're about to get a Truth-o-cution! Here comes The Report!
( 10.20.05 ) Stop operating heavy machinery! You're about to take two
extra-strength tablets of Truth. Here comes The Colbert Report!
( 10.24.05 ) Gonna jump down, turn around, pick a bale of Truth! This
is The Colbert Report!
( 10.25.05 ) I swallowed 20 condoms full of Truth and I'm heading over
the border. This is The Colbert Report!
( 10.26.05 ) Strike up the Klezmer and start acting like a man, cause
you're about to get a Truth Mitzvah! This is The Colbert Report!
( 10.27.05 ) Put on the Sade and spritz on some musk! I'm going to truth
you all night long! This is The Colbert Report!
( 10.31.05 ) Shave off your body hair and put on your bike shorts, you
just grabbed the yellow jersey in the Tour de Truth! This is The Colbert
Report!
( 11.01.05 ) Is that Truth in my pocket, or am I just happy to see you?
This is The Colbert Report!
( 11.02.05 ) A wop-bop a-loo-bop, a wop bamm Truth. This is The Colbert
Report!
( 11.03.05 ) Get on your tippy-toes America, you must be this tall to
ride the Truth coaster. This is The Colbert Report!
( 11.07.05 ) Someone get a bucket, I think I'm gonna Truth! This is
The Colbert Report!
( 11.08.05 ) You want the Truth? You can't handle the Truth! But, I've
got ovenmitts. Here comes The Colbert Report!
( 11.09.05 ) Everyone put your keys in the bowl, it's time for a swinging
truth party. This is The Colbert Report!
( 11.10.05 ) Hey moondoggy, wax your board and catch a wave! The truth's
up! This is The Colbert Report!
( 11.14.05 ) I'm fully dilated and effaced, and I'm squeezing out a
bouncing bundle of Truth. This is The Colbert Report!
( 11.15.05 ) Break out some vodka, some lime juice, and the facts, You're
about to do an upside-down Truth-akazi. This is The Colbert Report!
( 11.16.05 ) Get ready for authenticity, voracity, and verity. Someone's
been reading a Thesaurus! This is The Colbert Report!
( 11.17.05 ) Sharpen your carving knife and loosen your belt. You're
coming over to my house for Thanks-Truthing. This is The Colbert Report!
( 11.28.05 ) Go out ten yards, and button hook to the left, I'm going
to hit you with a perfect spiral of Truth. This is The Colbert Report!
( 11.29.05 ) And they say the truth still roams these very woods...
This is The Colbert Report!
( 11.30.05 ) Knock Knock. Who's there? The Truth. No joke. This is The
Colbert Report!
( 12.05.05 ) Get ready to make a difference, by watching TV. This is
The Colbert Report!
( 12.06.05 ) Move over Oprah, tonight every member of my audience receives
a priceless gift... the Truth. This is The Colbert Report!
( 12.07.05 ) Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning
to breathe free... but just for the next half hour. This is The Colbert
Report!
( 12.08.05 ) Don't touch that dial! And if your T.V. has a dial, go
get a new T.V. This is The Colbert Report!
( 12.09.05 ) Apply Truth liberally to the inflamed area. This is The
Colbert Report!
( 12.12.05 ) Forgive me Father, for I have Truthed. This is The Colbert
Report!
( 12.13.05 ) Get some ice, I've pulled my groin. My enormous groin.
This is The Colbert Report!
( 12.14.05 ) Let's make this quick, our Christmas party's tonight. This
is The Colbert Report!
( 12.15.05 ) Children, get nestled all snug in your beds, while visions
of Truth dance in your heads. This is The Colbert Report!
2006
( 1.10.06 ) The truth hurts. Fortunately for America... I'm a masochist.
This is The Colbert Report!
( 1.11.06 ) I got 99 problems, but the truth ain't one. This is The
Colbert Report!
( 1.12.06 ) I scream, you scream, we all scream... for the truth. This
is The Colbert Report!
( 1.16.06 ) Call me Fräulein Maria, because the hills are alive
with The Sound Of Truth! This is The Colbert Report!
( 1.17.06 ) Hey America, nice ass! This is The Colbert Report!
( 1.18.06 ) I hope you brought a well-sharpened #truth pencil, 'cos
This is The Colbert Report!
( 1.19.06 ) Plus, Stephen Colbert is cool! This is The Colbert Report!
( 1.23.06 ) Listen up, 'cos I'm only going to say this once. Lucky for
you, it'll be rerun four times tomorrow. This. Is. The. Colbert Report!
( 1.24.06 ) Pucker up America, I'm going to kiss and tell... the truth.
This is The Colbert Report!
( 1.25.06 ) There's a hole of every man the size of the truth, and I'm
going to jam it in there. This is The Colbert Report!
( 1.26.06 ) Let's change the world, but not the channel. This is The
Colbert Report!
( 1.30.06 ) I got my mojo workin', (Mojo of course is what I call my
assistant Monica Johnson.) This is The Colbert Report!
( 1.31.06 ) America, be prepared to be amazed, as I bend this spoon
using only the power of my hand! This is The Colbert Report!
( 2.01.06 ) We've done 46 episodes without a lost-time-accident. This
is The Colbert Report!
( 2.02.06 ) I just saw my shadow! That means six more weeks of truth.
This is The Colbert Report!
( 2.06.06 ) Sometimes it takes a crazy person to see the truth. If so,
I'm a freaking lunatic! This is The Colbert Report!
( 2.07.06 ) How many roads must a man walk down before he is run over
by an eighteen-wheeler of truth? This is The Colbert Report!
( 2.08.06 ) Please turn your cell phones and pagers to silent or vibrate.
(No joke, it's just inconsiderate.) This is The Colbert Report!
( 2.09.06 ) Hope you haven't eaten in the last 30 minutes America, because
you're about to go swimming in the deep end of the truth! This is The
Colbert Report!
( 2.21.06 ) Mark your calendars America! I'm turning February 21 into
February twenty-WOW! This is The Colbert Report!
( 2.22.06 ) It's George Washington's birthday and I cannot tell a lie.
(The previous statement was false.) This is The Colbert Report!
( 2.23.06 ) Side effects of tonigh't show may include euphoria, patriotism,
and painful urination. This is The Colbert Report!
( 2.27.06 ) Demon of facts... be gone! This is The Colbert Report!
( 2.28.06 ) Wanna make the perfect truth tini? That's 2 parts vodka,
and no parts fact. This is The Colbert Report!
( 3.01.06 ) America, bend over and try to relax. You're about to get
a truthoscopic examination. This is The Colbert Report!
( 3.02.06 ) And the truth goes to... America! This is The Colbert Report!
( 3.06.06 ) What you're about to see contains graphic violence, adult
themes, and scenes of full frontal truth. This is The Colbert Report!
( 3.07.06 ) Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Come on, come all.
Step right up and marvel the exotic and mysterious freakshow! It walks,
it talks, it crawls on it's belly like a reptile! No photgraphs! No
paper mache! It is... THE TRUTH! This is The Colbert Report!
( 3.08.06 ) Focus on a spot on the wall and breathe over the contractions,
this truth's coming out head first! This is The Colbert Report!
( 3.09.06 ) You are about to enter another dimension. A dimension not
only of sight and sound, but of truth. There's a signpost up ahead,
- next stop, The Colbert Report.
( 3.13.06 ) Never mind the bullocks, this is The Colbert Report!
( 3.14.06 ) Light the light and put the biscuit in the basket. This
is Sports Center...nope! This is The Colbert Report!
( 3.15.06 ) Warmth is to sun, as truth is to me. This is The Colbert
Report!
( 3.16.06 ) I'm here to fight for justice and the American way! My weapon?
The truth. This is The Colbert Report!
( 3.20.06 ) From the creators of The Colbert Report, this... is The
Colbert Report!
( 3.21.06 ) In vino veritas, and I am hammered! This is The Colbert
Report!
( 3.22.06 ) Truth hurts and this is gonna be agonizing! -Colbert Report!
( 3.23.06 ) Mr. Stephen Colbert requests the pleasure of your company
on the occasion of his latest television program. This is The Colbert
Report!
( 3.27.06 ) In the future you'll be able to inject this program directly
into your eyeballs. The future is now! This is The Colbert Report!
( 3.28.06 ) The world is a dirty place, and I am America's lemon-scented
wetnap. This is The Colbert Report!
( 3.29.06 ) This isn't a bald spot, it's a solar panel on a truth machine!
This is The Colbert Report!
( 3.30.06 ) It's our last show of March. I came in like a lion, and
I'm going out like a lamb fed lion. This is The Colbert Report!
( 4.03.06 ) It's baseball's opening day. Any rebroadcast, or reproduction
of this telecast without the expressed written consent of Major League
Baseball is prohibited. This is The Colbert Report!
( 4.04.06 ) Viewers of this show unite! You have nothing to lose but
the facts. This is The Colbert Report!
( 4.05.06 ) Let's see. Five letter word, uh proving to be accurate...
*shrug* You got me. This is The Colbert Report!
( 4.06.06 ) In 30 minutes I'll be on a helicopter to Barbados. This
is The Colbert Report!
( 4.17.06 ) I've been yelling this in the mirror all week! This is The
Colbert Report!
( 4.18.06 ) Do you really exist, or are you really a figure in one of
my dreams? Either way... This is The Colbert Report!
( 4.19.06 ) Don't have a cow, man! Dy-no-mite! Ayyyy, I'm the fonz.
Whatchoo talkin' bout, Willis? This is The Colbert Report!
( 4.20.06 ) Plus, is this The Colbert Report? The answer may surprise
you... This is The Colbert Report!
( 4.24.06 ) This weekend hippies celebrated Earth Day. Maybe one day
they'll celebrate Jobs Day. This is The Colbert Report!
( 4.25.06 ) How many pundits does it take to change the world? Three.
Me, myself, and I. This is The Colbert Report!
( 4.26.06 ) To make tonight's show more memorable, I've composed the
following jingle... This is The Colbert Report!
( 4.27.06 ) I've got truth fever... seriously, I've been throwing up
all day. This is The Colbert Report!
( 5.01.06 ) It's May Day, and I'm winding ribbons of truth around America's
pole. This is The Colbert Report!
( 5.02.06 ) I bring you the unvarnished truth... though it's lightly
stained and buffed with a Danish oil. This, is The Colbert Report!
( 5.03.06 ) When life gets you down don't get mad, get Stephen. This
is The Colbert Report!
( 5.04.06 ) We're holding our Spring formal and my date is the Truth.
Tonight we're going all the way. This is The Colbert Report!
( 5.08.06 ) Due to my unauthorized spreading of the Truth I've been
forced to enter the witness protection program. This, is the Silverman
Report.
( 5.09.06 ) There are three doors. Behind one is a tiger. Behind another
the Truth. The third is a closet... choose wisely. This is The Colbert
Report!
( 5.10.06 ) I'm a steamroller of Truth repaving the highway of the future...
expect delays. This is The Colbert Report!
( 5.11.06 ) Stephen punctures helium balloon and inhales deeply... This
is The Colbert Report!
( 5.15.06 ) When I think about Truth, I touch myself... This is The
Colbert Report!
( 5.18.06 ) I am the walrus, goo goo g'truth...This is The Colbert Report!
( 6.19.06 ) I am the recycle of America: here to seperate the clear
glass of Truth from the green glass of Facts...This is the Colbert Report!
( 6.21.06 ) Today is the Summer Solstice, the longest day of the year.
But the real question is: How thick is it? This is the Colbert Report!
( 6.26.06 ) And now, the 10 time winner of the Stephen Colbert Award
for Journalistic Excellence... This is the Colbert Repo-oh shit! (after
starting credits) Obviously, the name of the show is not The Colbert
Repo-oh shit, it's The Colbert Report. Forgot the name of my own show
for a second.
( 7.31.06 ) By now, you should be trained to salivate when you hear:
(bell rings) This is the Colbert Report!
( 8.01.06 ) The following program is rated "T" for...This
is the Colbert Report!
( 8.02.06 ) Hey Mom! Check it out, I'm on TV...This is the Colbert Report!
Quotes
* "The safest way to avoid throwing the baby out
with the bathwater is to not change the bathwater."
* On capital punishment: "I'm disappointed that my own Catholic
Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty
hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't even have
a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment."
* "I'm looking over your shoulder...but only because I've got your
back."
* "Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people."
* "Keep those letters coming, folks. An unpaid intern skims each
one."
* "By the way: The E in E-Mail...stands for 'E-Mail'."
* "I believe all God's creatures have a soul...except bears--bears
are godless killing machines!"
* "This show is not about me. This program is dedicated to you,
the heroes... the people who watch this show. You get it, and you come
from a long line of it-getters."
* "Bears pounced on one of our nation's biggest corporations like
happy Germans on Poland."
* "On this show, your voice will be heard...in the form of my voice."
* "Anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news
at you."
* Any opportunity for Colbert to mention that he has "balls."
o When Colbert interviewed Fareed Zakaria and twice mentioned balls,
Zakaria responded "You've really got balls on your mind today,
haven't you?"
* "The best way to change the system is to wait until it changes."
(...giving his ironic response on the death of Rosa Parks)
* "If you connect these three districts, it makes a triangle!"
* "Until then, America: courage. No, that sounds weak. How about:
have some balls." (referencing Dan Rather's "Courage"
signoff in 1986 and later on his last program in 2005)
* Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they
don't print them in English?
o Foreign newspapers: if it's got accents, can it really be called news?
* Until next time, sleep tight, America, in the knowledge that I'll
be sleeping, too. Protecting you from the wolf-headed creature which
haunts your dreams.
* "Hey America. Nice ass!"
* "There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends
that are going to hell."
* "Plus...Stephen Colbert is cool!"
* "Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions"
* "So you're the Fashion Editor at the Washington Post. Isn't that
like being the Dance Critic at the Southern Baptist Convention?"
* On Condoleezza Rice "Yeah, I agree, she is sexy in sort of an
ice-cold praying mantis sort-of-way."
* "Let's change the world, but not the channel. This is the Colbert
Report."
* "...and do you know which district this is? I'll give you a hint.
It's Wyoming."
* "We've done 46 episodes without a lost-time accident."
* "As long as there are unkempt bikini lines to wax, you'll have
a job."
* "Until next time, help control the pet population: Teach your
dog abstinence."
* "Thankfully, alert gauchos were able to save the llama before
it was swept into the blades of the turbine."
* "We were the steel magnolia ya ya sisterhood of the travelling
pants!"
* "A lot of people will say, 'Stephen, Japan beat Cuba in the World
Baseball Classic finals. The US was eliminated in the semifinals by
Mexico. How can we be the world champions?' Well, yes, Japan beat Cuba.
But don't forget, we beat Japan, in World War II. So we are the champions!
Yes! USA! USA! USA!"
o April 5, 2006
* "Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let
orphans have a family."
* "Giving a fly glasses is like giving a bear nunchucks."
* On not winning the 2006 Pulitzer Prize: "Come on, that's easy!
That's like winning an Oscar for playing a retarded guy. It's a gimme!
So from now on, let's just say that Stephen Colbert is not me, he's
a character, and he's retarded but he doesn't know it."
* "Plaza Sésamo? I for one do not want to know how to get
there."
* On explaining why he would have to trust that all applicants to be
his new "Black Friend" would actually be black: "I don't
see color; I don't understand what 'race' is. Hey, we all cross the
finish line- I say we all get hugs."
* "I know that the pope's infallible, but that doesn't mean he
can't make mistakes."
* "I've never been a fan of Amphibians. Not only do they strengthen
the argument for evolution, they are Nature's fence-sitters. Come on
Amphibians, which is it: water or land? Pick one, we're at war."
* On Bush's brief visit to Iraq:"And just like that, he was gone.
Bush is Keyser Soze!"
* "I talked to Bay Buchanan, founder of the Political Action Commitee,
to get immigrants out of America. Sounds like a hard job. We should
find some immigrants to do that.
* To Bay Buchanan:"Wait...You don't support the President? Maybe
you don't belong in America."
* "You know, the World Cup is still going on and I thought that
if I ignored it long enough, it would just go away...Like my emotions."
* To Bay Buchanan on building walls along southern border:"We need
to make the Berlin Wall look like nothing. We need 2 walls, we need
a moat, we need to build a fire, maybe put in some fire-proof crocodiles,
then put a machine gun down there"
* "Remember: Mentioning Jesus in your speech: small government.
Doing what Jesus asked: big government."
* On the U.S. vs Czech World Cup game:"Turn up your hearing aid
'Grandpa', Because I'm only going to say this once!: The only reason
you beat us the first match, is because our players were too busy thinking
about the sacrifices our their grandfathers made to save your asses
back in WWII! Yeah! And look... Look Chex Mix, I've been to Prague.
I found the architecture trite. Why don't you go home and cry to Slovakia...Wait!
They're not part of your country anymore!"
* Threat Down: Homo-Sexy Edition (Refering to Superman):"He even
fought a member of the nerd patrol named 'Brainiac'. And he came here
after his home planet of Krypton was destroyed. Most likely by Gay Marriage."
* I've said it before: equations are the devil's sentences. The worst
one is that quadratic equation. An infernal salad of numbers, letters,
and symbols.
* In a special report about America's youth entitled "Our Kids:
What the Hell Is Wrong With Them?": "By the way, I am legally
required to mention that the show tonight may contain peanut products.
Run for your lives, you pussies!"
* About Magnamorphs : "Half bear, half eagle, it's a beagle! And
it's a grizzly so this is a Greagle! Oh, kill it, kill it!"
* "The only thing worse than a rainbow is a reading rainbow"
* "There's nothing more American tourists like than stuff they
can get at home"
* "Folks, the president needs a break. He's like a Black and Decker
Cordless Dirt Devil vacuum. If you don't recharge his batteries, he
can't suck!"
* On speculation that JK Rowling will kill off Harry Potter in the seventh
book: "Wise move. He's a wizard; he should have been stoned a long
time ago. Leviticus, read it!"
* "I'm not a fan of the ivy league. I say we through a little weed
killer on that ivy."
* "And of course I don't go anywhere without my pet goldfish, Anthrax.
I always tell security I'm carrying Anthrax. Yeah, sure I get a lot
of guff about it, but it's a family name; I'm not changing it!"
* On Joe Lieberman: "He's running as an independent democrat, which
if I'm not mistaken, is the political equivilant as a labradoodle."